maybe i always was

This is probably the last time I will visit this place, that I will be in this house, that I will be this comfortable. And thank god for that.
Comfort is a drug.
It’s alright to indulge now and then.
But it lures you in, it steals your life, it makes you settle.
You don’t learn new things when your comfortable.
You don’t take risks in fear that you might lose your comfort.
You see less and you do less.

“our lust for future comfort is the biggest thief of life”

A confession to the void: I’m scared of what is to come.
But the more I scare myself the more I find that being scared is a sign that I’m about to experience LIFE.
The more I feel fear, the less the feeling of fear scares me, and the more it excites me.
I have been scared before, and during, some of the best moments of my life.
Now I push myself to seek out fear.

Maybe I’m becoming daring.
Or maybe I always was.

white rock, 2016

 

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haven’t found em yet

night animal

I have never seen such an animal
except perhaps once,
but that is another story-
there it stood,
no lion
yet no dog
no deer yet deer
frozen nose
and eye, all eye gathering all the
moonlight that hung in the trees;
and everywhere the people slept;
I saw bombers over Brazil,
cathedrals choked in silk
the gray dice of Vegas,
a Van Gogh over the kitchen sink.

home, I poured a drink
took off my gloves you god damned thing
why could you have not been a woman
with all your beauty,
with all your beauty,
I have not found her yet.

-Bukowski

how to sleep on a beach on an uninhabited tropical island alone

Step 1: go to an uninhabited island of the coast to borneo for a day trip

Step 2: go hiking around the island with your new found german friends

Step 3: climb down a steep ledge to get to a secluded beach

Step 4: swim in the ocean and look back at the beach. see it’s potential.

Step 5: when your new buddies suggest it’s time to hike back to catch the last boat, tell them you’re going to stay and spend the night and they can too

Step 6: do not be dissuaded to go through with your plan even when the giant german men look at you like you’ve just told them you see dead people and hike back up the cliff looking back down at you every few minutes expecting you to scurry up after them

Step 7: lay out your towel and sarong, spray yourself with insect repellant, and take in the sunset with every inch of your soul

Step 8: read your book with the light from your cellphone, and when your cellphone dies, look up at the stars and let the feeling of being truly alone in nature sink in. feel the beauty, and feel the fear. and feel that fear transform into the calmest, most peaceful sensation, physically, mentally, and emotionally you have ever felt in your entire life. let the new sense of self and world understanding wash over you

Step 9: curl up, and fall sound asleep to the lullaby of the sounds of the jungle

Step 10: wake up with the light of the first morning sun

Step 11: sit on your towel, watch the sun rise, and look to your right. 20 feet away you’ll see a giant monitor lizard, just chillin. as he looks at you, look back at him, have a moment, and as he scurries away into the jungle, silently thank him for sharing his home for the night.

Step 12: go for a long morning swim in the ocean, climb up the cliff, stopping at the top to say goodbye to your little beach home, and then make your way back to the other side of the island to catch the first morning boat back.

Step 13: when you return to the city of Kota Kinabalu on the main island of Borneo, smoke a cigarette and go get yourself an egg mcmuffin because life is about balance.

 

 

 

 

my forever favourite poem

O! Death has reared himself a throne
In a strange city lying alone
Far down within the dim West,
Where the good and the bad and the worst and the best
Have gone to their eternal rest.
There shrines and palaces and towers
(Time-eaten towers that tremble not!)
Resemble nothing that is ours.
Around, by lifting winds forgot,
Resignedly beneath the sky
The melancholy waters lie.

 No rays from the holy heaven come down
On the long night-time of that town;
But light from out the lurid sea
Streams up the turrets silently —
Gleams up the pinnacles far and free —
Up domes — up spires — up kingly halls —
Up fanes — up Babylon-like walls —
Up shadowy long-forgotten bowers
Of sculptured ivy and stone flowers —
Up many and many a marvellous shrine
Whose wreathed friezes intertwine
The viol, the violet, and the vine.

 Resignedly beneath the sky
The melancholy waters lie.
So blend the turrets and shadows there
That all seem pendulous in air,
While from a proud tower in the town
Death looks gigantically down.

The City in the Sea – Edgar Allan Poe