everything happening all at once

my world exploded

not into a million little pieces

but into great shards of excitement, fear, pain, stress, disbelief, and love

 

and I find myself thinking:

has my luck ran out?

is this explosion the beginning of the end?

has the precarious balance of my life

been distorted?

 

or is this another awe-inducing moment

that lends itself to a happy ending

of a book that will never be written

but probably should?

 

Time no longer passes.

I use my time,

I experience my time,

I feel my time.

 

I might feel like I’m drowning.

but breaths I catch when I pull myself to the surface,

fill my lungs with the sweetest air

that I will ever taste.

 

I’m not living to write a book about my life.

but my thirst for experience is creating a life

that a book could be written about.

And I feel proud.

 

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insomnia part 3

can you hear it

the silent scream

chest is collapsing

my chest is concaving

 

crushed by the beast

by my beast

screaming failure in my ear

the clearest sound I’ll ever hear

 

listen to the world

feel from your senses

not your own thoughts

listen to the world

 

if only I could plug my ears from my own brain
maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared

brooklyn, aug 2016

 

fear, part 2

I’ve been thinking about fear.

So many spend their lives avoiding fear.

But the things I feared the most are the things that have brought me the most growth, the most profound experiences, the most joy.

I see so many people who are scared.

Scared to move, scared to risk, scared of the unknown.

I am scared too. That is not where we are different.
I am different, or slowly becoming more and more different, because I have learned to value fear. To crave fear. To seek out things that scare me.

Everytime I do something that scares me, my fear gets less and less and my appetite for life grows more and more.

vancouver, 2016

maybe i always was

This is probably the last time I will visit this place, that I will be in this house, that I will be this comfortable. And thank god for that.
Comfort is a drug.
It’s alright to indulge now and then.
But it lures you in, it steals your life, it makes you settle.
You don’t learn new things when your comfortable.
You don’t take risks in fear that you might lose your comfort.
You see less and you do less.

“our lust for future comfort is the biggest thief of life”

A confession to the void: I’m scared of what is to come.
But the more I scare myself the more I find that being scared is a sign that I’m about to experience LIFE.
The more I feel fear, the less the feeling of fear scares me, and the more it excites me.
I have been scared before, and during, some of the best moments of my life.
Now I push myself to seek out fear.

Maybe I’m becoming daring.
Or maybe I always was.

white rock, 2016