my world exploded
not into a million little pieces
but into great shards of excitement, fear, pain, stress, disbelief, and love
and I find myself thinking:
has my luck ran out?
is this explosion the beginning of the end?
has the precarious balance of my life
or is this another awe-inducing moment
that lends itself to a happy ending
of a book that will never be written
but probably should?
Time no longer passes.
I use my time,
I experience my time,
I feel my time.
I might feel like I’m drowning.
but breaths I catch when I pull myself to the surface,
fill my lungs with the sweetest air
that I will ever taste.
I’m not living to write a book about my life.
but my thirst for experience is creating a life
that a book could be written about.
And I feel proud.
can you hear it
the silent scream
chest is collapsing
my chest is concaving
crushed by the beast
by my beast
screaming failure in my ear
the clearest sound I’ll ever hear
listen to the world
feel from your senses
not your own thoughts
listen to the world
if only I could plug my ears from my own brain
maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared
brooklyn, aug 2016
I’ve been thinking about fear.
So many spend their lives avoiding fear.
But the things I feared the most are the things that have brought me the most growth, the most profound experiences, the most joy.
I see so many people who are scared.
Scared to move, scared to risk, scared of the unknown.
I am scared too. That is not where we are different.
I am different, or slowly becoming more and more different, because I have learned to value fear. To crave fear. To seek out things that scare me.
Everytime I do something that scares me, my fear gets less and less and my appetite for life grows more and more.
This is probably the last time I will visit this place, that I will be in this house, that I will be this comfortable. And thank god for that.
Comfort is a drug.
It’s alright to indulge now and then.
But it lures you in, it steals your life, it makes you settle.
You don’t learn new things when your comfortable.
You don’t take risks in fear that you might lose your comfort.
You see less and you do less.
“our lust for future comfort is the biggest thief of life”
A confession to the void: I’m scared of what is to come.
But the more I scare myself the more I find that being scared is a sign that I’m about to experience LIFE.
The more I feel fear, the less the feeling of fear scares me, and the more it excites me.
I have been scared before, and during, some of the best moments of my life.
Now I push myself to seek out fear.
Maybe I’m becoming daring.
Or maybe I always was.
white rock, 2016