FML

when you start

falling

in love

it’s so hard

to fall asleep.

 

the warm light

birthing from my chest

spreading all the way

down to the ends of my toes

is a sunrise

in the middle of the night.

 

I bury my face

in my pillow

basking

and squirming

in the muchness

of it all.

 

 

it’s a whim of wonder,

a feeling I had forgotten

and

a sense of shame,

for being all consumed.

 

I lie awake

dreaming of all the things

that might be said

but mostly

I lie awake

terrified

because I’ve placed the power

in your eyes

and now you can truly hurt me.

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salty

a bird flew in front of my bike today
and I thought of you
I hate birds

and I hate that I care
you didn’t do much wrong
because you didn’t do much at all

only wanted to be your friend
and I can’t see how that was so hard
you’re a coward for cutting me out

I was never going to fall for you
your ego tells you lies
you’re a sheep in a monkey’s suit

brooklyn 2016

the feeling

I wanted you to speak more and you did. and I didn’t like some of what you said. I was mad because you had been perfect. the little that you had said was perfect. then you spoke more to me and

you weren’t perfect anymore.

I saw your flaws

And I didn’t like them

 

But something happened, something that broke my usual mold :

I didn’t run. I didn’t stop caring. not an ounce of indifference came over me.

some things you said bothered me. some ways in which you acted made me sad. because you mattered. because I was starting to feel unconditional love slowly bubbling inside of me.

I wish I didn’t have to let you go.

but this is the last goodbye, and I thank you for the feeling.

white rock, 2016

novelty

you look in awe

not of me

of that I’m not her

and you’re happy

 

But it’s not me

I’m just a novelty

to you

and to many

 

But novelties fade

awe dissipates

you’ll leave full

and I’ll be empty

 

Getting over her

through me

And you’ll never have

to get over me.

 

I’m just a novelty

brooklyn, 2016

almost

So many almosts.

Fuck almosts.

But the pain of an almost is always better than the easy void of a not at all.

The day I choose the certainty of a not at all over the risk of an almost is the day I allow my youth to crumble.

My youth will never crumble.

I might live a life full of almosts, or maybe, one day, an almost will cease to be an almost and we’ll be there.

And it will be worth every other almost.

But fuck almosts.

brooklyn, 2015