insomnia, cont.

anxiety isolates

the biggest smile

from the bluest eyes

 

reaching and reaching

falling away from breath

the moment before touch

 

whispering in my own ear

a troubling warning

of a never existing harm

 

the scolding mind

the pushing heart

expelling energy

into all the wrong caves

when it should be soaring

over a sounding sea

bk 2017

 

 

FML

when you start

falling

in love

it’s so hard

to fall asleep.

 

the warm light

birthing from my chest

spreading all the way

down to the ends of my toes

is a sunrise

in the middle of the night.

 

I bury my face

in my pillow

basking

and squirming

in the muchness

of it all.

 

 

it’s a whim of wonder,

a feeling I had forgotten

and

a sense of shame,

for being all consumed.

 

I lie awake

dreaming of all the things

that might be said

but mostly

I lie awake

terrified

because I’ve placed the power

in your eyes

and now you can truly hurt me.

across the ocean

sometimes

i just want to hear your voice

and those rings

those rings

feel like a snail

through molasses

and even though you

always

call me back

as quick as drunk man’s ear

hits his pillow

those rings feel longer than a lifetime

because the sound

of your voice

fills my heart

more than a thousand lifetimes could

and when I hear it

I know

you hear me

and I know

I am home

 

brooklyn 2016

 

 

everything happening all at once

my world exploded

not into a million little pieces

but into great shards of excitement, fear, pain, stress, disbelief, and love

 

and I find myself thinking:

has my luck ran out?

is this explosion the beginning of the end?

has the precarious balance of my life

been distorted?

 

or is this another awe-inducing moment

that lends itself to a happy ending

of a book that will never be written

but probably should?

 

Time no longer passes.

I use my time,

I experience my time,

I feel my time.

 

I might feel like I’m drowning.

but breaths I catch when I pull myself to the surface,

fill my lungs with the sweetest air

that I will ever taste.

 

I’m not living to write a book about my life.

but my thirst for experience is creating a life

that a book could be written about.

And I feel proud.

 

#notmypresident

This is the email I sent to my mom a couple days ago after the reality of the aftermath of this election set in and I had a full breakdown. No matter what you think about Trump himself, the fact is he has given a powerful voice to the racists, bigots, sexists, and xenophobes of this country. It’s basic sociology, when someone elected into a  high position of power shares your views, or at least says he does, it legitimizes your opinion. And it makes you feel comfortable to act on your opinion. I’m not going back to Canada, I’m staying and fighting. There is no excuse for these hateful views and I will fight to the day I die for the people on whose backs my white, straight privilege was built on.

Really depressed about this election. Trump’s supporters are so scary, way scarier then him and I didn’t even know that was possible. All the racists that have come out of the woodwork. . . it’s insane. And now they’ve been given a voice. Candace’s little 12 year old sister came home saying kids at her school were telling the Hispanic kids “Trump won, so LEAVE.” Alex’s black doctor friend in Georgia was helping a Hispanic dude pick up trash in the hospital and some racist asshole came up and told them “Trump won, both of ya’ll will be gone soon.” Turns out her Dr. friend was about to operate on the dude’s WIFE. You can’t make this stuff up. One of the refugee kids I used to work is now in college in upstate New York and posted pictures of things written on the bathroom walls of his college (and theses are direct quotes):”fuck stupid Latino immigrants” “fuck the niggers” “love trump” “Isis is calling! The Muslims can leave”. WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE GET OFF, STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID RACIST, XENOPHOBIC ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE ZERO ZERO ZERO EXCUSE FOR THEIR RACISM and then all these white people saying they are going to move to Canada…. like ok, sure, use your privilege to move somewhere else, because the people you leave behind in the US aka the immigrants and refugees are the ones who don’t have that freedom to take off and move to Europe or Canada. And they are the ones that will be hurt the most by Trump’s policies. So ya, move to Canada, it’s your life and you get to do what you want, but if you do, don’t pretend for a second that you care about minorities in the US.

On the other hand, if you are a minority and want to leave, I get it and I get why you are scared.

I can’t believe people can still be this stupid and racist in 2016. I’m so sad. And the most Shakespearean thing about this all is the democratic national committee and Hilary Clinton, as seen in the emails, propped up Trump HOPING he’d be the nominee because they thought he would be the easiest to beat, and instead they gave rise to this insane movement. And the DNC practically picking Hilary as the candidate… They tried to mess with democracy and this is where we ended up. Bernie Sanders would have won because he was the anti-establishment candidate that the people wanted. And instead we ended up with a different anti-establishment candidate – and now president – who appealed to the racists and xenophobes to win, and now has given them a voice that really should never be heard EVER.
Sorry so much negativity, and on dad’s birthday too. But I’m having a bit of a break down and needed to vent.